Monday, November 1, 2010

I love my Husband

I just had the pleasure of a simple, spur of the moment, and really fun date with my husband. We were trying to figure out when we could fit in a date night this week, when we suddenly realized that tonight was the best candidate! So we took off right after we finished eating dinner, mere minutes after our realization. I love that my younger sister lives with us, and could babysit at literally a moments notice. We spruced up a tad bit, and headed to Starbucks. We had yummy coffee, and some desserts, and lovely conversation about the successes we had had today, and the joy we can find in our daily jobs if we will only remember to look for it. We finished up our food, but we weren't ready to head home yet, so we went to the mall for some window shopping. It was so much fun!
I am grateful for the thoughtfulness of Solomon, that he was making date night a high priority. He noticed that our usual date night (Thursday) wasn't going to work this week, and he became  the driving force behind finding an alternative. I feel very Loved and significant.  We have such busy lives, as so many people do these days, and yet he took the time to tell me he loved me with a simple and easy date. Just time for the two of us to walk around and hold hands.  We used to do that all the time before we got married. Everywhere we went we held hands, and found ways to keep in physical contact whenever possible. It's not shocking that the urge to stay in contact fades after  few years of marriage. But I relish the times that we recall the joy of just holding hands. Having small children makes the chances to be physically close more rare, and that makes them more precious. I guess that's on purpose on the Lord's part. Having children can cause lots of stress and strife, even be the source of resentment and argument. And yet it can be used to create a challenge to intimacy that can create renewed desire. It's the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing, or the "rubberband stretch" that John Grey talks about.
Tonight was a great treat to "sneak" away together and have some time for just the two of us.
Thanks Solomon, I love you.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Wedding Speech

Here is a speech that Tirah and I gave for a wedding recently:

Consent is the Essence of Marriage.

In the book ‘Married Love’ by Emanuel Swedenborg it says, “Consent is the essential element in marriage.” (CL 21)

This appears obvious from the way that marriage comes about. There is a proposal and consent at the time of engagement. There is the exchange of ‘I do’ at the time of the wedding. But when this quote says that ‘consent is the essence of marriage’ it’s not just talking about the engagement and wedding.

Because consent is the essence of marriage and not just the beginning of marriage, marriage love becomes blessed when that consent continues throughout the life of the marriage.

There are several words that relate to how this ‘consent’ shows up in marriage. Words like ‘choice,’ ‘commitment,’ and ‘promise,’

As individuals we make daily choices that guide us along our spiritual paths. The same is true for a marriage. When a husband and wife daily choose to love each other as their spiritual path, and not just exist in marital status, then the Lord can bless them with becoming closer and closer to eternity.

So what does that look like, to choose marriage love every day? It involves maintenance of the marriage relationship. ‘An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.’ It’s a cliche but its very true in this case. Giving your marriage regular attention can prevent the common cold. It’s like changing the oil in your car. The more often you do it, the better your car will run. The less often you do it, the more likely the car will fall apart.

This choice or consent can be illustrated by the words you spoke today: Will you marry me today? Yes. Will you marry me today? Yes. Will you marry me today? Yes. Marriage love grows as that commitment is strengthened. This could also be phrased as Thank you for marrying me today. Thank you for marrying me today.

The consent involved in marriage is not a one-time thing, it’s a life-time thing. And just like exercising a muscle, as your commitment to each other grows, your love will grow, because consent is the essence of marriage.

Our advice to you:
1. Consent to have the Lord in your marriage: Read the Word together, pray together.
2. Regularly show appreciation for what your spouse does for you.
3. Continue to be curious about who your spouse is. Remember that you will get to know them better and better to eternity, and that involves actively learning about them.
4. Don’t be afraid to ask for support from the Lord and from your friends and family.

Remember that everyone in this room is here to support you on this journey. When the hard times come, remember that you can call on the Lord, and you can call on us to be there for you. We are the witnesses to your marriage, and so we promise to support you. Take a minute to look around the room...

Don’t forget that marriage is not just a promise made between each other, it is also a promise made by the Lord that if you hold on to this commitment, these joyful feelings of love that you are experiencing right now, can continue forever in heaven.

Love from, - Solomon and Tirah Keal

Friday, March 26, 2010

Fluency in Love Languages

Tirah and I are big fans of Gary Chapman's book: "The Five Love Languages." Tirah recently did a summary of the five love languages in this blog. For the sake of review they are: 1. Acts of Service, 2. Words of Affirmation, 3. Quality Time, 4. Gifts, and 5. Physical Touch. Tirah is a Physical Touch and Quality Time person. I'm an Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation person. So when I'm expressing love to Tirah, I will habitually express it by means of acts of service and kind words. Tirah will habitually express her love for me by means of physical touch and quality time. Because of reading this book I learned that I needed to express love in her languages more often in order for her to feel loved, and she needed to express love in my languages more often in order for me to feel loved. We got fairly good at this and thought, 'yay! we've learned the 5 love languages... what's the next great thing we can learn for our marriage?' Little did we know...

Recently we came up against some issues in our marriage that made me realize that we had only scratched the surface on love languages. We both felt like our 'love tanks' were not being filled. What was happening was that while we had learned a little bit of our partner's language, we were not fluent in it, and couldn't really understand it when it was spoken to us. I liken our state to some tourists that are visiting France, and had learned how to say, "Bonjour... comma tally voo?" and then suddenly the french person starts speaking very quickly in french and the tourists realize that while they thought they knew french, they were far from fluent in it. (Of course that probably wouldn't happen in real life... the french person would simply roll his or her eyes and start speaking to the tourists in English. But that's beside the point.)

At times Tirah would do an act of service for me as an expression of her love for me. But it might be an act of service that she really didn't enjoy. That way of expressing love is after all a foreign language to her. I then would not notice or appreciate this expression of love because there was no joy in it. (The accent was too thick.) Likewise I might give her a kiss every day as an expression of love for her, but she might not feel loved by it because she sensed that it was not my native love language. (The accent was too think.) So what was to be done?

In a marriage we are not meant to give up our individuality for the sake of someone else. It is our two individualities that make the marriage a more full expression of humanity. We may never have our spouse's native love language become our own native love language. We will probably always speak with a little bit of an accent. But we can work on becoming more fluent in speaking and listening to their native language. We can become bi-lingual.

In order to help this process of becoming more fluent, Tirah and I have started doing some new things. When Tirah does an act of service for me that she may or may not enjoy doing, she will tell me that she is doing it because she loves me. Because I am a words of affirmation guy as well, this really helps me 'hear' that love. (Tirah has mentioned that this feels awkward; like she's bragging. But I've assured her that it helps me feel loved.) Because I then respond affirmatively (preferably by kissing her rather than simply saying 'thank you.') to her use of my language, she begins to find joy in it, and feel loved by me in return.

Likewise when I'm stuck at work and not able to spend as much quality time with her as she would like, I might send her an email (speaking in my native language of words of affirmation). But if I can remember to tell her in my email that I want to kiss her and that I want to spend time with her, she can hear my love better through the accent. The more I think of physical touch and quality time as forms of acts of service for her, the more I become fluent in her language, and she can 'hear' my love.

We still have a lot more to learn about our love languages. To help us remain aware in this process we've thought of putting up signs around the house saying, "Whose love language are you speaking in right now?"

Depending on what your love languages are, it will differ as to how you interpret your spouses expressions of love, and become more fluent in their language. The important thing is that we all engage in communicating our honest needs with each other as married couples. Through this sharing of ideas, we can become more fluent and maybe even bi-lingual.

Movie Recommendation

Tirah and I recently saw the movie, "Did You Hear About The Morgans?" We highly recommend it. On the surface it appears to be just another romantic comedy, but underneath it is addressing some really important things in our culture in a way that supports the ideas and ideals of marriage. It begins with a married couple who are separated because of infidelity. Throughout the movie this couple not only addresses this breach of trust, but they fall back in love and end up with (what appears to be) a healthy marriage! There are also hints of the importance of marriage mentors in our life. It's a movie worth seeing.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

You've Got Your Pimples and Your Boils

I know, I know, ewww gross! But bear with me, I've got a point here...

So we are all told not to pop our pimples, or we could make them worse and cause a scar, right? That's because our bodies can take care of the small infection that creates a pimple without interference. On the other hand you have boils. They are too nasty to heal on their own, and must be lanced and drained to be healed. For some reason it's an infection which is too severe for the body to take care of on it's own.

Get to the point, right!?

I know I'm getting to that....

In my marriage, conflicts arise and cause me discomfort. Then what I have to determine is if they are a pimple or a boil. Pimples are the ones that I should let go of and not dwell on, whereas boils need to be discussed and dealt with directly, or they could cause bigger problems later.

Here are some stories to illustrate:
Our family was in the car on the way to visit my sister and her family for the afternoon, and I was driving. Solomon was acting as navigator and giving me directions from a sheet I had printed out online. As we went, Solomon questioned why we went one way instead of another, I said that I had tried a couple of other routes, and wanted to try this one. We talked back and forth about the various routes, and we could have had a real argument about it, I even felt myself start to get cranky about it at one point. I was feeling defensive about the route I had chosen, but I remembered in time, that it really didn't matter, and it wasn't about me, it was just a conversation about directions. So we got where we were going on time, and eventually agreed that this was indeed another way, but probably not the fastest. If I had chosen to pick a fight about it, we would have gotten there, but now we would have had hurt and anger surrounding driving together, a.k.a., a scar.
I managed not to pick that pimple.

On the other hand:
Solomon went back to school this past fall to become a minister, and his first term was VERY demanding! I was working hard to support him in getting all his work done, and therefore, doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. almost completely on my own. We got very little time together, and as you know if you have read some of my other blog posts, face time or quality time is very important to me! As the term went on, I began to feel more and more overwhelmed, and sad. Loneliness really started to get to me, along with some depression. I struggled through, hoping that things would get better.Eventually the term did end, but the damage was done. I had survived, but not with happiness and goodwill toward Solomon. I was feeling resentful, neglected, and disconnected.
We had a week of a break until the beginning of the next term, and for almost the whole break, I didn't say anything about how I was feeling, mostly because I had become so used to feeling this way that I didn't notice it anymore. But two days before the break was to end, Solomon and I found ourselves sitting at the table next to each other, each working on some electronic device, and not talking. Solomon turned to me and asked if we could talk and put away our technology. I said sure, but then found that I had nothing to talk about. I had forgotten how to talk in those weeks of disconnectedness. Thank the Lord that all our years of hard work on communicating helped us to talk it through, and all my hurt and loneliness and sadness came tumbling out! It didn't fix things all at once, but it did stop the "infection" and began the healing.
That was a boil of pain that would not have healed on it's own, but only grown worse. So it had to be lanced. Solomon lanced it by asking to talk, and by being loving and supportive and not defensive, as I expressed my feelings.

TA DA! Pimples, and Boils....
Gross, but a good analogy... anyway I think so.

Oh yeah and Happy Birthday Solomon! I'm glad I married you. Being your wife is still the best thing about my life. Even after 9 years of marriage, it just keeps getting better. Thanks for asking me. :)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Crossed Wires

The other night, Solomon and I had finished putting the kids to bed, so we came to the living room, sat down on the couch and looked at each other. We had made no plans for what we wold do that night, but we try to spend some time together after the kids go to bead, as I think most parents do. So I decided (in my own head) that we could talk and catch up on how we were doing (for me that means emotionally more than physically). Instead of telling these thoughts to Solomon, I just decided to get the ball rolling by telling him about me and how I was feeling, (having found this, in the past, a totally workable way to do things with my girl friends) expecting that he would reciprocate and tell me all about himself. I talked for a while, leaving what I thought to be nice little pauses intended as invitations to Solomon to tell me about something he was feeling. This of course is the best way to do things (I thought) because it puts no pressure on Solomon to share if he doesn't want to, but creates an atmosphere of sharing time, that is obvious, and so makes it easy to share if he so wishes.

So after about 20 minutes of me talking, and feeling increasingly frustrated by the fact that Solomon is saying nothing, yet not wanting to force him to share, I decide to gently ask him how he is doing, and comment at the same time how I'd love to hear about his mental state and not just his physical state (we had just gotten over sickness in the house, and Solomon was just over a nasty cold and cough). So then Solomon says that he thought I wasn't done telling him about me, and was waiting until I was done. Well we both laughed about that when we got it all sorted out!

So turns out that the whole talking to get things going only works with women. Solomon figured I needed to talk myself out before saying anything, after all he would be interrupting if he didn't wait! I love Solomon, he is such a good listener. He has even become almost perfect with not offering advice or trying to fix things. It cracks me up that after almost 9 years of marriage, I still miss-communicate with him! But hey, it would get boring if there weren't still something to work on!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Whisper Little Nothings

Really they are not little nothings at all! Everything from "thank you for making dinner" to "I love your beautiful blue eyes!" and even "Thank you for marrying me" can mean so much to a person who feels loved when they feel valued, appreciated, and important.

It's one of the easiest languages to speak, as long as you get in the mentality of saying thank you and giving positive feedback at every opportunity.

Go out of your way to verbalize the things that you love about your spouse, like their morals, honesty integrity etc. Check out the post I made a few days ago about "Appreciations" and make sure to spend 5 minutes a day telling your husband or wife what you appreciate about him/her.

What I like best about this one is that while I am giving Solomon a strong sense of feeling loved, I am also remembering all the wonderful things about him, and feeling better and happier to be his wife. I find that I never have to make up things to say, I just have to pay attention to what Solomon does in any given day. There is always something that he has done that is meaningful to me.

The best of course, with these languages, is to become fluent in ALL of them. Use them all to communicate love to your spouse with extra emphasis on their primary language, and you will find your marriage becomes more solid every day!

In fact, if you are struggling in your marriage, and don't know how to reach your spouse through the wall that has built up between you, speaking his or her language to them, gets right through that barrier and breaks it down faster than anything else I know of.

In all of life what it really comes down to is living to serve, help, and love others more than ourselves right? John Green (an authour of young adult fiction) said it so well; When asked what the meaning of life was he answered "Other People." So simple and so true, so let's learn to speak the language of the people around us, especially our spouse, and by doing so be living for other people.

Monday, March 1, 2010

It's About Quality AND Quantity

One of the things that I really love about the five love languages, is that it's so simple. To write long explanations about what each love language is, is rather redundant, as the names of the languages are pretty darn self-explanatory. So what is there to say about Quality time? The same as the others!

Quality time, I think is the group seen as "High Maintainance" in relationships. I happen to belong to this group. If I'm high demand then I am proud to be so! By feeling loved with quality time, (and being rather vocal about feeling neglected) I have a need to spend time on our marriage, that in the end, I think, leads to a really solid relationship.

The truth is that no matter what your love language, quality time is really important! It keeps the connection between you and your spouse strong (I'm not saying that apart time is not also needed, just that we tend to neglect together time). How can you exchange gifts if you don't get a little "face time" at least? it helps you know what gifts to give. Acts of service are that much better if they culminate in time together to enjoy the service you did.

OK, my bias is totally coming through! But the point is that if this is your language or your spouses language, then it is so important to take the time together! Talk about your definition of quality time too...Is watching a movie quality time? It's not for me, but maybe it is for you. Hanging out as a couple with a group of friends? Perhaps. It's really important that you figure out what it is for you, because it is NOT just time spent in the same room and space. You could spend an entire week in constant presence with each other and not spend one minute in quality time.

For me, Quality time usually has to involve time with just the two of us, mostly talking. I have found that if I can't think of something to talk about, that reading something can grease the wheels. Appreciations are a great starter too. My favorite reading is usually marriage books. I know it sounds like work, not fun so much, but when it leads into a really great conversation about goals in our lives, or recollections of good times past, or successes in our lives, it leaves Solomon and I with a stronger sense of our shared life, and just how great that life is!

So spend real time together! It's really fun!

Saturday, February 27, 2010


So! We are up to gift giving and receiving as a language of love.....I'm really bad at this one. That is the main thing I can say about it. But I hear that it's easier than I think it is. Because for someone who really feels loved through receiving gifts, it really is the thought that counts. It can be a little thing. It doesn't have to be a big deal gift, but they have to be frequent. A simple note can be a gift, a lollipop, or a cup of coffee. I get hung up on wanting it to be the perfect gift, but the reality is, with making sure someone feels loved, consistency is more important than each instance being perfect. I mean obviously it could be exactly the wrong thing, and that's not good, but waiting until you find the perfect thing is not the way to go either!

For me this is something that I need to practice with my children and friends more than Solomon (he's not really a gifty type). But I want the gift oriented people is my life to feel loved, so I need to be at least able to cope with the language. In the book the author talks about a husband who made himself a calendar, and used it to come up with a plan for gifts to his wife. I have a birthday calendar that should help me get on the ball... but of course that means that I need to actually look at the calendar...

This also does not have to be a huge drain on your finances! Gifts and acts of service have lots of overlap. An act of service is making dinner when your wife normally has to... a gift is making it a candle lit dinner after the kids are already in bed. The food doesn't have to be extra special, it can be what you would have eaten anyway, but the making of it and the presentation turn it into a gift! Some of my favorite love notes are the ones that Solomon has written on 3 x 5 cards!

The point is give gifts of whatever you can, it lets your spouse know that you love them. And of course when you can spend some extra time and money on a gift, do so, but don't wait until you can give something "good enough" give something every day!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Being A Servant

It is not a huge surprise to find that for some people receiving acts of service is how they feel loved. Even if it's not your primary language, who doesn't like it when your spouse picks up their laundry off the floor, and takes out the trash? Even I appreciate it, and acts of service is not my language at all! Can you imagine how it feels to have the feeling that you do everything for everyone in the house, partly at least because you are trying to tell your family that you love them, while no one seems to love you in return?! Really sad situation!
How can you tell that you sweetheart is an acts of service type? well...when they are honoring their friends and family, how do they do it? Do they host a big party? Are they the first one to jump in if someone is needing help because of sickness or injury or a new baby? Then they just might be the serving type. I find this one can feel hard to adapt to, because if you are not a serving type, it can be hard to do the acts of service and really get that this is an act of love. But with some determination, and reminding yourself why you are doing this stuff, you will find that the payoff happens pretty quickly, helping you to remember that this is the best way to love your spouse.

In general, to find out the love language of your spouse my first advice is to buy the book, read it together, and then take the quiz in the back of the book. Use that to help you each find your language, and then tell eac0h other what it is! If you happen to be in a marriage where your spouse is a closed type and not into reading marriage growth books, then it's a bit more difficult. You can read the book yourself and take the quiz from your knowledge of your spouse. In the end, if you just take some time to observe closely how they are with friends and family, and you too (sometimes couples withhold the main loving language they speak from their spouse because they don't feel loved by them - this makes it hard to figure out by watching how they are with you), then you can determine their love language, and then love them in that language!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Touchy Feely Type

Please don't assume because you like having sex with your spouse, that you are a person who primarily feels love with the sense of touch.....I mean who doesn't like having sex!? (OK this is assuming that you don't have a history of abuse of some sort of physical disability etc. that makes sex unpleasant emotionally or physically - if that is the case for you, I am very sorry) But if just being touched is really really important to you then this might be your primary love language. Meaning that having your hubby casually touch you in even non-sexual ways, is critical to feeling loved. Holding hands, hugging, sitting close together while watching TV, that is the sort of thing that tells a touchy-feely lover that they are loved (sex of course too, but not exclusively!). So if you are a touch person, tell your spouse, so that they know that those hugs when you get home from work and the kiss as they head out in the morning, are the life-blood of your sense of connection to them.
Oh yeah, and if your spouse is the touchy one (not that kind of touchy! The feeling loved with touch kind...) then start paying attention to how much you touch them and make it more! Give a spontaneous neck rub, or an extra hug now and then. Better yet, come up with a list of all the ways you can think of to just get more touch into your lives, and do one a day at least. It is so much fun to watch your husband or wife start to glow with joy as they bask in knowing how much they are loved.
Oh and of course, always be sure to make time for sex!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Becoming Multilingual

I recommend the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's a must read for every couple I believe.
He says there are 5 "languages" that people "speak" to give and receive love. We each have a primary language, and we speak it well, and receive love best when we are loved in our native language.

The languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

When we receive love in our native language, we feel loved, and we find it easiest to show love in our native language as well. The problem arises when we speak a different language from our spouse (which is typical - couples who share the same language are uncommon). He tries to tell me by washing the dishes, that he loves me, while I'm trying to tell him that I love him with hugs and kisses. In the mean time, neither one of us feels loved!
So we have to learn to speak the other persons language! More on this in the next few days....

Monday, February 22, 2010

Fight Fair!

I have fights with Solomon. I don't like having fights with Solomon, and we tend to call them "discussions" (I think it lets us pretend that it's not as big a deal that way), but fighting in marriage is a reality. It's not a bad thing either! How could two different people possibly never disagree! Of course we will argue, it's healthy to have different points of view on things, and that will inevitably lead to disagreements. As long as you can fight fair - as it were - then it's all part of a healthy marriage. But there are rules for these things:
No Name-calling! - it's not only unproductive, it's harmful. Don't do it.
Stay as calm as possible - after your heart rate rises and your adrenaline starts pumping, you can't communicate well. There are studies that show that you literally cannot hear anymore when you get to aggravated. It is not helpful for fight or flight to kick-in, so keep calm and discuss. If you can't stay calm, take a break, and calm down, come back to the issue when you are both distant enough from the huge feelings about it that you can stay rational.
Use I statements - You are not forced to feel anything by your spouse, you choose to feel how you feel in response to their actions. Those feelings might very well be completely reasonable, but it is all about how you choose to respond to their actions. Statements like "you make me crazy!" are not helpful, and can spark a much larger argument. Here is a handy format: When you did_______, I felt______. This makes it possible to have a discussion about what happened without throwing accusations around. For example: "When you spent the whole evening watching TV tonight, I felt unimportant and ignored." That is going to go over much better than: "You jerk! You're acting like I'm not even here!"

Let me illustrate with a real life example from Solomon and I. I'm not the worlds greatest driver, and I have a lead foot, Solomon on the other hand is very conscientious. This causes friction, or used to until we got a handle on it. but before we figure it out, our "discussions" went something like this:
Solomon: I really wish you would drive more carefully.
Tirah: We got here fine!
S: But we almost had an accident!
T: But we didn't in the end, and besides, you make me nervous when you're in the passenger seat! I'm a much better driver when you aren't there!
S: Well how would I know that! as far as I can tell you are always a dangerous driver!
T: You're always making comments and nervous noises! How can I concentrate when you do that! If you would just let me drive I would do much better!
Instead what we should have been saying could have been like this:
S: When you cut off the other car just now, I felt unsafe and in danger.
T: I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable, I was feeling flustered by having you in the passenger seat. You are a much better driver than I am, and I feel self conscious when you are with me.
S: I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable, is there something I'm doing to make you uncomfortable?
T: Well, you tend to make little noises, or just act tense, and when you do that I feel judged, and then I get tense and don't drive as well as I usually do.
S: I'm sorry I'm making you tense, I'll try to relax and trust you to drive.
T: Thank you, and I'll try to relax no matter what you do, and drive more carefully.

This might sound silly, but it is very close to our actual conversations, and that really is how we each felt. Through having several arguments about this several times, we gradually understood our dynamic when driving, and over time, we have become comfortable! Now, Solomon drives when we are not in a hurry, and if we are running late I drive! Either way, we are both happy and comfortable with the trip! We only got to that place by having calm discussions about what was going on for each of us emotionally during these driving episodes.

So by all means fight. It's unavoidable. But when you must fight, fight fair. You are supposed to be on a team after all....

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Bragging is Good for Your Health

OK, well.... as long as you are bragging about your spouse, then it's good for the health of your marriage, and that is good for your health. But it's true!
Think about all the great things about your spouse (at least the ones that are appropriate to share in public ;) ) and then share them! As often and as publicly as you can, and in the presence of your spouse! And make sure you don't pass it off as an "I'm so great because I have a great spouse" just tell people how wonderful the person you married is!
I find we live in a culture where we are supported in our desire to gripe about our husband or wife. A woman I know, was once cheerfully welcomed into a circle of her friends visiting at a social gathering with a smile and a "come join in our husband-bashing session!" (She sweetly declined to bash her husband, saying instead that she had a wonderful husband that she didn't need to complain about). I don't think these women actually intended any harm, and all loved their husbands despite their foibles, but what good were they doing by airing them in public!? We rarely brag about our spouse, but we may all regularly join in - or be tempted to join in - on the bashing. We can all relate to the frustrations that can arise from our spouse's habits, and it can feel good to share those frustrations with others.
Yet the reality is that we are all flawed people, and if we make time to point out to ourselves and others the faults in our spouse, they will only seem like bigger and bigger problems. Instead we could focus on our spouse's wonderful traits, and share them with others. When we remember all the wonderful things, the not so great things don't seem as big a deal anymore.
And that is great for the health of your marriage.

Speaking of bragging:
Solomon just had a really bad sinus infection, and then right after that the stomach flu, and today when he is only just feeling better, he stayed home with the kids so I could go to church all by myself ( I have not been able to go in about three weeks). While I was gone, he vacuumed the living room, swept the stairs, foyer, dining room and kitchen. Then he ran a load of dished in the dishwasher, and took out the trash and recycling!!! And when I called from church to say that I was thinking of going to Wawa for brunch with my sisters, (if they decided to go) he told me, to tell them, that they had to go, and take me too. Solomon is a wonderful person, and I love him!

Saturday, February 20, 2010


The Best way I have found to quickly and easily support and feed your marriage is with appreciations. This is a really simple technique, but it has saved marriages on the brink of divorce with regular use. Take 10 minutes sit down with your spouse, and take turns with this. First one of you begins and takes five minutes to tell the other all the things you can think of that you appreciate about your spouse. So, for example, I tell Solomon: " Solomon, thank you for being my husband, thank you for putting the kids to bed tonight by yourself and giving me a night off! I appreciate your beard, I love how thoughtful you are. Thanks for thinking about things so carefully before you make decisions".....Etc. I would go on for five minutes then switch, giving Solomon 5 minutes to say things he appreciates about me. The spouse listening is not allowed to interrupt! They must sit and take it all in! This is not something we automatically think to do all the time or even find easy to do at first! if you need some help getting started try these:
  • Something you did recently for me that I appreciate is...
  • Something you did long ago for me that I appreciate is...
  • Something you do regularly for me that I appreciate is...
  • A spiritual quality that you have that I appreciate is...
  • Something about your looks that I appreciate is...
  • Something that you do for others that I appreciate is...
  • Something that you have worked hard at that I appreciate is...
  • Something that you have a gift for that I appreciate is...
  • Something that I appreciate you not doing is...
  • Something you did with other people that I appreciate is...
  • Something you do all by yourself that I appreciate is...
  • Something in your character that I appreciate is...
  • A quality that you have that I am lacking that I appreciate is...
  • Something that you said to me that I appreciate is...
  • Something that I have told you before that I still appreciate is...
(I blatantly stole this from Lori and John Odhner! well OK they said I could :) Check out their website it's great stuff!)

Happy Appreciating!!!

Some thoughts from Emanuel Swedenborg:

"People who have goodwill hardly notice the evil in another person, but instead notice all his or her good and true qualities, and they put a good interpretation on the bad and wrong things. All angels are like this. It is something they have from the Lord, who bends everyting bad into something good." Secrets of Heaven N. 1079

"In the case of people who are in a state of true married love, their happiness in living together increases because they love each other with every power of sensation. The wife sees nothing more lovable than her husband and the husband nothing more lovable than her. Indeed, neither do they hear, smell or touch anything more lovable than each other. From this comes their happiness in living together and sharing house, bedroom and bed." Marriage Love N. 213