Friday, March 26, 2010
Movie Recommendation
Tirah and I recently saw the movie, "Did You Hear About The Morgans?" We highly recommend it. On the surface it appears to be just another romantic comedy, but underneath it is addressing some really important things in our culture in a way that supports the ideas and ideals of marriage. It begins with a married couple who are separated because of infidelity. Throughout the movie this couple not only addresses this breach of trust, but they fall back in love and end up with (what appears to be) a healthy marriage! There are also hints of the importance of marriage mentors in our life. It's a movie worth seeing.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
You've Got Your Pimples and Your Boils
I know, I know, ewww gross! But bear with me, I've got a point here...
So we are all told not to pop our pimples, or we could make them worse and cause a scar, right? That's because our bodies can take care of the small infection that creates a pimple without interference. On the other hand you have boils. They are too nasty to heal on their own, and must be lanced and drained to be healed. For some reason it's an infection which is too severe for the body to take care of on it's own.
Get to the point, right!?
I know I'm getting to that....
In my marriage, conflicts arise and cause me discomfort. Then what I have to determine is if they are a pimple or a boil. Pimples are the ones that I should let go of and not dwell on, whereas boils need to be discussed and dealt with directly, or they could cause bigger problems later.
Here are some stories to illustrate:
Our family was in the car on the way to visit my sister and her family for the afternoon, and I was driving. Solomon was acting as navigator and giving me directions from a sheet I had printed out online. As we went, Solomon questioned why we went one way instead of another, I said that I had tried a couple of other routes, and wanted to try this one. We talked back and forth about the various routes, and we could have had a real argument about it, I even felt myself start to get cranky about it at one point. I was feeling defensive about the route I had chosen, but I remembered in time, that it really didn't matter, and it wasn't about me, it was just a conversation about directions. So we got where we were going on time, and eventually agreed that this was indeed another way, but probably not the fastest. If I had chosen to pick a fight about it, we would have gotten there, but now we would have had hurt and anger surrounding driving together, a.k.a., a scar.
I managed not to pick that pimple.
On the other hand:
Solomon went back to school this past fall to become a minister, and his first term was VERY demanding! I was working hard to support him in getting all his work done, and therefore, doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. almost completely on my own. We got very little time together, and as you know if you have read some of my other blog posts, face time or quality time is very important to me! As the term went on, I began to feel more and more overwhelmed, and sad. Loneliness really started to get to me, along with some depression. I struggled through, hoping that things would get better.Eventually the term did end, but the damage was done. I had survived, but not with happiness and goodwill toward Solomon. I was feeling resentful, neglected, and disconnected.
We had a week of a break until the beginning of the next term, and for almost the whole break, I didn't say anything about how I was feeling, mostly because I had become so used to feeling this way that I didn't notice it anymore. But two days before the break was to end, Solomon and I found ourselves sitting at the table next to each other, each working on some electronic device, and not talking. Solomon turned to me and asked if we could talk and put away our technology. I said sure, but then found that I had nothing to talk about. I had forgotten how to talk in those weeks of disconnectedness. Thank the Lord that all our years of hard work on communicating helped us to talk it through, and all my hurt and loneliness and sadness came tumbling out! It didn't fix things all at once, but it did stop the "infection" and began the healing.
That was a boil of pain that would not have healed on it's own, but only grown worse. So it had to be lanced. Solomon lanced it by asking to talk, and by being loving and supportive and not defensive, as I expressed my feelings.
TA DA! Pimples, and Boils....
Gross, but a good analogy... anyway I think so.
Oh yeah and Happy Birthday Solomon! I'm glad I married you. Being your wife is still the best thing about my life. Even after 9 years of marriage, it just keeps getting better. Thanks for asking me. :)
So we are all told not to pop our pimples, or we could make them worse and cause a scar, right? That's because our bodies can take care of the small infection that creates a pimple without interference. On the other hand you have boils. They are too nasty to heal on their own, and must be lanced and drained to be healed. For some reason it's an infection which is too severe for the body to take care of on it's own.
Get to the point, right!?
I know I'm getting to that....
In my marriage, conflicts arise and cause me discomfort. Then what I have to determine is if they are a pimple or a boil. Pimples are the ones that I should let go of and not dwell on, whereas boils need to be discussed and dealt with directly, or they could cause bigger problems later.
Here are some stories to illustrate:
Our family was in the car on the way to visit my sister and her family for the afternoon, and I was driving. Solomon was acting as navigator and giving me directions from a sheet I had printed out online. As we went, Solomon questioned why we went one way instead of another, I said that I had tried a couple of other routes, and wanted to try this one. We talked back and forth about the various routes, and we could have had a real argument about it, I even felt myself start to get cranky about it at one point. I was feeling defensive about the route I had chosen, but I remembered in time, that it really didn't matter, and it wasn't about me, it was just a conversation about directions. So we got where we were going on time, and eventually agreed that this was indeed another way, but probably not the fastest. If I had chosen to pick a fight about it, we would have gotten there, but now we would have had hurt and anger surrounding driving together, a.k.a., a scar.
I managed not to pick that pimple.
On the other hand:
Solomon went back to school this past fall to become a minister, and his first term was VERY demanding! I was working hard to support him in getting all his work done, and therefore, doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. almost completely on my own. We got very little time together, and as you know if you have read some of my other blog posts, face time or quality time is very important to me! As the term went on, I began to feel more and more overwhelmed, and sad. Loneliness really started to get to me, along with some depression. I struggled through, hoping that things would get better.Eventually the term did end, but the damage was done. I had survived, but not with happiness and goodwill toward Solomon. I was feeling resentful, neglected, and disconnected.
We had a week of a break until the beginning of the next term, and for almost the whole break, I didn't say anything about how I was feeling, mostly because I had become so used to feeling this way that I didn't notice it anymore. But two days before the break was to end, Solomon and I found ourselves sitting at the table next to each other, each working on some electronic device, and not talking. Solomon turned to me and asked if we could talk and put away our technology. I said sure, but then found that I had nothing to talk about. I had forgotten how to talk in those weeks of disconnectedness. Thank the Lord that all our years of hard work on communicating helped us to talk it through, and all my hurt and loneliness and sadness came tumbling out! It didn't fix things all at once, but it did stop the "infection" and began the healing.
That was a boil of pain that would not have healed on it's own, but only grown worse. So it had to be lanced. Solomon lanced it by asking to talk, and by being loving and supportive and not defensive, as I expressed my feelings.
TA DA! Pimples, and Boils....
Gross, but a good analogy... anyway I think so.
Oh yeah and Happy Birthday Solomon! I'm glad I married you. Being your wife is still the best thing about my life. Even after 9 years of marriage, it just keeps getting better. Thanks for asking me. :)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Crossed Wires
The other night, Solomon and I had finished putting the kids to bed, so we came to the living room, sat down on the couch and looked at each other. We had made no plans for what we wold do that night, but we try to spend some time together after the kids go to bead, as I think most parents do. So I decided (in my own head) that we could talk and catch up on how we were doing (for me that means emotionally more than physically). Instead of telling these thoughts to Solomon, I just decided to get the ball rolling by telling him about me and how I was feeling, (having found this, in the past, a totally workable way to do things with my girl friends) expecting that he would reciprocate and tell me all about himself. I talked for a while, leaving what I thought to be nice little pauses intended as invitations to Solomon to tell me about something he was feeling. This of course is the best way to do things (I thought) because it puts no pressure on Solomon to share if he doesn't want to, but creates an atmosphere of sharing time, that is obvious, and so makes it easy to share if he so wishes.
So after about 20 minutes of me talking, and feeling increasingly frustrated by the fact that Solomon is saying nothing, yet not wanting to force him to share, I decide to gently ask him how he is doing, and comment at the same time how I'd love to hear about his mental state and not just his physical state (we had just gotten over sickness in the house, and Solomon was just over a nasty cold and cough). So then Solomon says that he thought I wasn't done telling him about me, and was waiting until I was done. Well we both laughed about that when we got it all sorted out!
So turns out that the whole talking to get things going only works with women. Solomon figured I needed to talk myself out before saying anything, after all he would be interrupting if he didn't wait! I love Solomon, he is such a good listener. He has even become almost perfect with not offering advice or trying to fix things. It cracks me up that after almost 9 years of marriage, I still miss-communicate with him! But hey, it would get boring if there weren't still something to work on!
So after about 20 minutes of me talking, and feeling increasingly frustrated by the fact that Solomon is saying nothing, yet not wanting to force him to share, I decide to gently ask him how he is doing, and comment at the same time how I'd love to hear about his mental state and not just his physical state (we had just gotten over sickness in the house, and Solomon was just over a nasty cold and cough). So then Solomon says that he thought I wasn't done telling him about me, and was waiting until I was done. Well we both laughed about that when we got it all sorted out!
So turns out that the whole talking to get things going only works with women. Solomon figured I needed to talk myself out before saying anything, after all he would be interrupting if he didn't wait! I love Solomon, he is such a good listener. He has even become almost perfect with not offering advice or trying to fix things. It cracks me up that after almost 9 years of marriage, I still miss-communicate with him! But hey, it would get boring if there weren't still something to work on!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Whisper Little Nothings
Really they are not little nothings at all! Everything from "thank you for making dinner" to "I love your beautiful blue eyes!" and even "Thank you for marrying me" can mean so much to a person who feels loved when they feel valued, appreciated, and important.
It's one of the easiest languages to speak, as long as you get in the mentality of saying thank you and giving positive feedback at every opportunity.
Go out of your way to verbalize the things that you love about your spouse, like their morals, honesty integrity etc. Check out the post I made a few days ago about "Appreciations" and make sure to spend 5 minutes a day telling your husband or wife what you appreciate about him/her.
What I like best about this one is that while I am giving Solomon a strong sense of feeling loved, I am also remembering all the wonderful things about him, and feeling better and happier to be his wife. I find that I never have to make up things to say, I just have to pay attention to what Solomon does in any given day. There is always something that he has done that is meaningful to me.
The best of course, with these languages, is to become fluent in ALL of them. Use them all to communicate love to your spouse with extra emphasis on their primary language, and you will find your marriage becomes more solid every day!
In fact, if you are struggling in your marriage, and don't know how to reach your spouse through the wall that has built up between you, speaking his or her language to them, gets right through that barrier and breaks it down faster than anything else I know of.
In all of life what it really comes down to is living to serve, help, and love others more than ourselves right? John Green (an authour of young adult fiction) said it so well; When asked what the meaning of life was he answered "Other People." So simple and so true, so let's learn to speak the language of the people around us, especially our spouse, and by doing so be living for other people.
It's one of the easiest languages to speak, as long as you get in the mentality of saying thank you and giving positive feedback at every opportunity.
Go out of your way to verbalize the things that you love about your spouse, like their morals, honesty integrity etc. Check out the post I made a few days ago about "Appreciations" and make sure to spend 5 minutes a day telling your husband or wife what you appreciate about him/her.
What I like best about this one is that while I am giving Solomon a strong sense of feeling loved, I am also remembering all the wonderful things about him, and feeling better and happier to be his wife. I find that I never have to make up things to say, I just have to pay attention to what Solomon does in any given day. There is always something that he has done that is meaningful to me.
The best of course, with these languages, is to become fluent in ALL of them. Use them all to communicate love to your spouse with extra emphasis on their primary language, and you will find your marriage becomes more solid every day!
In fact, if you are struggling in your marriage, and don't know how to reach your spouse through the wall that has built up between you, speaking his or her language to them, gets right through that barrier and breaks it down faster than anything else I know of.
In all of life what it really comes down to is living to serve, help, and love others more than ourselves right? John Green (an authour of young adult fiction) said it so well; When asked what the meaning of life was he answered "Other People." So simple and so true, so let's learn to speak the language of the people around us, especially our spouse, and by doing so be living for other people.
Monday, March 1, 2010
It's About Quality AND Quantity
One of the things that I really love about the five love languages, is that it's so simple. To write long explanations about what each love language is, is rather redundant, as the names of the languages are pretty darn self-explanatory. So what is there to say about Quality time? The same as the others!
Quality time, I think is the group seen as "High Maintainance" in relationships. I happen to belong to this group. If I'm high demand then I am proud to be so! By feeling loved with quality time, (and being rather vocal about feeling neglected) I have a need to spend time on our marriage, that in the end, I think, leads to a really solid relationship.
The truth is that no matter what your love language, quality time is really important! It keeps the connection between you and your spouse strong (I'm not saying that apart time is not also needed, just that we tend to neglect together time). How can you exchange gifts if you don't get a little "face time" at least? it helps you know what gifts to give. Acts of service are that much better if they culminate in time together to enjoy the service you did.
OK, my bias is totally coming through! But the point is that if this is your language or your spouses language, then it is so important to take the time together! Talk about your definition of quality time too...Is watching a movie quality time? It's not for me, but maybe it is for you. Hanging out as a couple with a group of friends? Perhaps. It's really important that you figure out what it is for you, because it is NOT just time spent in the same room and space. You could spend an entire week in constant presence with each other and not spend one minute in quality time.
For me, Quality time usually has to involve time with just the two of us, mostly talking. I have found that if I can't think of something to talk about, that reading something can grease the wheels. Appreciations are a great starter too. My favorite reading is usually marriage books. I know it sounds like work, not fun so much, but when it leads into a really great conversation about goals in our lives, or recollections of good times past, or successes in our lives, it leaves Solomon and I with a stronger sense of our shared life, and just how great that life is!
So spend real time together! It's really fun!
Quality time, I think is the group seen as "High Maintainance" in relationships. I happen to belong to this group. If I'm high demand then I am proud to be so! By feeling loved with quality time, (and being rather vocal about feeling neglected) I have a need to spend time on our marriage, that in the end, I think, leads to a really solid relationship.
The truth is that no matter what your love language, quality time is really important! It keeps the connection between you and your spouse strong (I'm not saying that apart time is not also needed, just that we tend to neglect together time). How can you exchange gifts if you don't get a little "face time" at least? it helps you know what gifts to give. Acts of service are that much better if they culminate in time together to enjoy the service you did.
OK, my bias is totally coming through! But the point is that if this is your language or your spouses language, then it is so important to take the time together! Talk about your definition of quality time too...Is watching a movie quality time? It's not for me, but maybe it is for you. Hanging out as a couple with a group of friends? Perhaps. It's really important that you figure out what it is for you, because it is NOT just time spent in the same room and space. You could spend an entire week in constant presence with each other and not spend one minute in quality time.
For me, Quality time usually has to involve time with just the two of us, mostly talking. I have found that if I can't think of something to talk about, that reading something can grease the wheels. Appreciations are a great starter too. My favorite reading is usually marriage books. I know it sounds like work, not fun so much, but when it leads into a really great conversation about goals in our lives, or recollections of good times past, or successes in our lives, it leaves Solomon and I with a stronger sense of our shared life, and just how great that life is!
So spend real time together! It's really fun!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Gifts
So! We are up to gift giving and receiving as a language of love.....I'm really bad at this one. That is the main thing I can say about it. But I hear that it's easier than I think it is. Because for someone who really feels loved through receiving gifts, it really is the thought that counts. It can be a little thing. It doesn't have to be a big deal gift, but they have to be frequent. A simple note can be a gift, a lollipop, or a cup of coffee. I get hung up on wanting it to be the perfect gift, but the reality is, with making sure someone feels loved, consistency is more important than each instance being perfect. I mean obviously it could be exactly the wrong thing, and that's not good, but waiting until you find the perfect thing is not the way to go either!
For me this is something that I need to practice with my children and friends more than Solomon (he's not really a gifty type). But I want the gift oriented people is my life to feel loved, so I need to be at least able to cope with the language. In the book the author talks about a husband who made himself a calendar, and used it to come up with a plan for gifts to his wife. I have a birthday calendar that should help me get on the ball... but of course that means that I need to actually look at the calendar...
This also does not have to be a huge drain on your finances! Gifts and acts of service have lots of overlap. An act of service is making dinner when your wife normally has to... a gift is making it a candle lit dinner after the kids are already in bed. The food doesn't have to be extra special, it can be what you would have eaten anyway, but the making of it and the presentation turn it into a gift! Some of my favorite love notes are the ones that Solomon has written on 3 x 5 cards!
The point is give gifts of whatever you can, it lets your spouse know that you love them. And of course when you can spend some extra time and money on a gift, do so, but don't wait until you can give something "good enough" give something every day!
For me this is something that I need to practice with my children and friends more than Solomon (he's not really a gifty type). But I want the gift oriented people is my life to feel loved, so I need to be at least able to cope with the language. In the book the author talks about a husband who made himself a calendar, and used it to come up with a plan for gifts to his wife. I have a birthday calendar that should help me get on the ball... but of course that means that I need to actually look at the calendar...
This also does not have to be a huge drain on your finances! Gifts and acts of service have lots of overlap. An act of service is making dinner when your wife normally has to... a gift is making it a candle lit dinner after the kids are already in bed. The food doesn't have to be extra special, it can be what you would have eaten anyway, but the making of it and the presentation turn it into a gift! Some of my favorite love notes are the ones that Solomon has written on 3 x 5 cards!
The point is give gifts of whatever you can, it lets your spouse know that you love them. And of course when you can spend some extra time and money on a gift, do so, but don't wait until you can give something "good enough" give something every day!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Being A Servant
It is not a huge surprise to find that for some people receiving acts of service is how they feel loved. Even if it's not your primary language, who doesn't like it when your spouse picks up their laundry off the floor, and takes out the trash? Even I appreciate it, and acts of service is not my language at all! Can you imagine how it feels to have the feeling that you do everything for everyone in the house, partly at least because you are trying to tell your family that you love them, while no one seems to love you in return?! Really sad situation!
How can you tell that you sweetheart is an acts of service type? well...when they are honoring their friends and family, how do they do it? Do they host a big party? Are they the first one to jump in if someone is needing help because of sickness or injury or a new baby? Then they just might be the serving type. I find this one can feel hard to adapt to, because if you are not a serving type, it can be hard to do the acts of service and really get that this is an act of love. But with some determination, and reminding yourself why you are doing this stuff, you will find that the payoff happens pretty quickly, helping you to remember that this is the best way to love your spouse.
In general, to find out the love language of your spouse my first advice is to buy the book, read it together, and then take the quiz in the back of the book. Use that to help you each find your language, and then tell eac0h other what it is! If you happen to be in a marriage where your spouse is a closed type and not into reading marriage growth books, then it's a bit more difficult. You can read the book yourself and take the quiz from your knowledge of your spouse. In the end, if you just take some time to observe closely how they are with friends and family, and you too (sometimes couples withhold the main loving language they speak from their spouse because they don't feel loved by them - this makes it hard to figure out by watching how they are with you), then you can determine their love language, and then love them in that language!
How can you tell that you sweetheart is an acts of service type? well...when they are honoring their friends and family, how do they do it? Do they host a big party? Are they the first one to jump in if someone is needing help because of sickness or injury or a new baby? Then they just might be the serving type. I find this one can feel hard to adapt to, because if you are not a serving type, it can be hard to do the acts of service and really get that this is an act of love. But with some determination, and reminding yourself why you are doing this stuff, you will find that the payoff happens pretty quickly, helping you to remember that this is the best way to love your spouse.
In general, to find out the love language of your spouse my first advice is to buy the book, read it together, and then take the quiz in the back of the book. Use that to help you each find your language, and then tell eac0h other what it is! If you happen to be in a marriage where your spouse is a closed type and not into reading marriage growth books, then it's a bit more difficult. You can read the book yourself and take the quiz from your knowledge of your spouse. In the end, if you just take some time to observe closely how they are with friends and family, and you too (sometimes couples withhold the main loving language they speak from their spouse because they don't feel loved by them - this makes it hard to figure out by watching how they are with you), then you can determine their love language, and then love them in that language!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
