The Touchy Feely Type

Please don't assume because you like having sex with your spouse, that you are a person who primarily feels love with the sense of touch.....I mean who doesn't like having sex!? (OK this is assuming that you don't have a history of abuse of some sort of physical disability etc. that makes sex unpleasant emotionally or physically - if that is the case for you, I am very sorry) But if just being touched is really really important to you then this might be your primary love language. Meaning that having your hubby casually touch you in even non-sexual ways, is critical to feeling loved. Holding hands, hugging, sitting close together while watching TV, that is the sort of thing that tells a touchy-feely lover that they are loved (sex of course too, but not exclusively!). So if you are a touch person, tell your spouse, so that they know that those hugs when you get home from work and the kiss as they head out in the morning, are the life-blood of your sense of connection to them.
Oh yeah, and if your spouse is the touchy one (not that kind of touchy! The feeling loved with touch kind...) then start paying attention to how much you touch them and make it more! Give a spontaneous neck rub, or an extra hug now and then. Better yet, come up with a list of all the ways you can think of to just get more touch into your lives, and do one a day at least. It is so much fun to watch your husband or wife start to glow with joy as they bask in knowing how much they are loved.
Oh and of course, always be sure to make time for sex!

Becoming Multilingual

I recommend the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's a must read for every couple I believe.
He says there are 5 "languages" that people "speak" to give and receive love. We each have a primary language, and we speak it well, and receive love best when we are loved in our native language.

The languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

When we receive love in our native language, we feel loved, and we find it easiest to show love in our native language as well. The problem arises when we speak a different language from our spouse (which is typical - couples who share the same language are uncommon). He tries to tell me by washing the dishes, that he loves me, while I'm trying to tell him that I love him with hugs and kisses. In the mean time, neither one of us feels loved!
So we have to learn to speak the other persons language! More on this in the next few days....

Fight Fair!

I have fights with Solomon. I don't like having fights with Solomon, and we tend to call them "discussions" (I think it lets us pretend that it's not as big a deal that way), but fighting in marriage is a reality. It's not a bad thing either! How could two different people possibly never disagree! Of course we will argue, it's healthy to have different points of view on things, and that will inevitably lead to disagreements. As long as you can fight fair - as it were - then it's all part of a healthy marriage. But there are rules for these things:
No Name-calling! - it's not only unproductive, it's harmful. Don't do it.
Stay as calm as possible - after your heart rate rises and your adrenaline starts pumping, you can't communicate well. There are studies that show that you literally cannot hear anymore when you get to aggravated. It is not helpful for fight or flight to kick-in, so keep calm and discuss. If you can't stay calm, take a break, and calm down, come back to the issue when you are both distant enough from the huge feelings about it that you can stay rational.
Use I statements - You are not forced to feel anything by your spouse, you choose to feel how you feel in response to their actions. Those feelings might very well be completely reasonable, but it is all about how you choose to respond to their actions. Statements like "you make me crazy!" are not helpful, and can spark a much larger argument. Here is a handy format: When you did_______, I felt______. This makes it possible to have a discussion about what happened without throwing accusations around. For example: "When you spent the whole evening watching TV tonight, I felt unimportant and ignored." That is going to go over much better than: "You jerk! You're acting like I'm not even here!"

Let me illustrate with a real life example from Solomon and I. I'm not the worlds greatest driver, and I have a lead foot, Solomon on the other hand is very conscientious. This causes friction, or used to until we got a handle on it. but before we figure it out, our "discussions" went something like this:
Solomon: I really wish you would drive more carefully.
Tirah: We got here fine!
S: But we almost had an accident!
T: But we didn't in the end, and besides, you make me nervous when you're in the passenger seat! I'm a much better driver when you aren't there!
S: Well how would I know that! as far as I can tell you are always a dangerous driver!
T: You're always making comments and nervous noises! How can I concentrate when you do that! If you would just let me drive I would do much better!
etc...
Instead what we should have been saying could have been like this:
S: When you cut off the other car just now, I felt unsafe and in danger.
T: I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable, I was feeling flustered by having you in the passenger seat. You are a much better driver than I am, and I feel self conscious when you are with me.
S: I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable, is there something I'm doing to make you uncomfortable?
T: Well, you tend to make little noises, or just act tense, and when you do that I feel judged, and then I get tense and don't drive as well as I usually do.
S: I'm sorry I'm making you tense, I'll try to relax and trust you to drive.
T: Thank you, and I'll try to relax no matter what you do, and drive more carefully.

This might sound silly, but it is very close to our actual conversations, and that really is how we each felt. Through having several arguments about this several times, we gradually understood our dynamic when driving, and over time, we have become comfortable! Now, Solomon drives when we are not in a hurry, and if we are running late I drive! Either way, we are both happy and comfortable with the trip! We only got to that place by having calm discussions about what was going on for each of us emotionally during these driving episodes.

So by all means fight. It's unavoidable. But when you must fight, fight fair. You are supposed to be on a team after all....

Bragging is Good for Your Health

OK, well.... as long as you are bragging about your spouse, then it's good for the health of your marriage, and that is good for your health. But it's true!
Think about all the great things about your spouse (at least the ones that are appropriate to share in public ;) ) and then share them! As often and as publicly as you can, and in the presence of your spouse! And make sure you don't pass it off as an "I'm so great because I have a great spouse" just tell people how wonderful the person you married is!
I find we live in a culture where we are supported in our desire to gripe about our husband or wife. A woman I know, was once cheerfully welcomed into a circle of her friends visiting at a social gathering with a smile and a "come join in our husband-bashing session!" (She sweetly declined to bash her husband, saying instead that she had a wonderful husband that she didn't need to complain about). I don't think these women actually intended any harm, and all loved their husbands despite their foibles, but what good were they doing by airing them in public!? We rarely brag about our spouse, but we may all regularly join in - or be tempted to join in - on the bashing. We can all relate to the frustrations that can arise from our spouse's habits, and it can feel good to share those frustrations with others.
Yet the reality is that we are all flawed people, and if we make time to point out to ourselves and others the faults in our spouse, they will only seem like bigger and bigger problems. Instead we could focus on our spouse's wonderful traits, and share them with others. When we remember all the wonderful things, the not so great things don't seem as big a deal anymore.
And that is great for the health of your marriage.

Speaking of bragging:
Solomon just had a really bad sinus infection, and then right after that the stomach flu, and today when he is only just feeling better, he stayed home with the kids so I could go to church all by myself ( I have not been able to go in about three weeks). While I was gone, he vacuumed the living room, swept the stairs, foyer, dining room and kitchen. Then he ran a load of dished in the dishwasher, and took out the trash and recycling!!! And when I called from church to say that I was thinking of going to Wawa for brunch with my sisters, (if they decided to go) he told me, to tell them, that they had to go, and take me too. Solomon is a wonderful person, and I love him!

Appreciations

The Best way I have found to quickly and easily support and feed your marriage is with appreciations. This is a really simple technique, but it has saved marriages on the brink of divorce with regular use. Take 10 minutes sit down with your spouse, and take turns with this. First one of you begins and takes five minutes to tell the other all the things you can think of that you appreciate about your spouse. So, for example, I tell Solomon: " Solomon, thank you for being my husband, thank you for putting the kids to bed tonight by yourself and giving me a night off! I appreciate your beard, I love how thoughtful you are. Thanks for thinking about things so carefully before you make decisions".....Etc. I would go on for five minutes then switch, giving Solomon 5 minutes to say things he appreciates about me. The spouse listening is not allowed to interrupt! They must sit and take it all in! This is not something we automatically think to do all the time or even find easy to do at first! if you need some help getting started try these:

• Something you did recently for me that I appreciate is...
• Something you did long ago for me that I appreciate is...
• Something you do regularly for me that I appreciate is...
• A spiritual quality that you have that I appreciate is...
• Something about your looks that I appreciate is...
• Something that you do for others that I appreciate is...
• Something that you have worked hard at that I appreciate is...
• Something that you have a gift for that I appreciate is...
• Something that I appreciate you not doing is...
• Something you did with other people that I appreciate is...
• Something you do all by yourself that I appreciate is...
• Something in your character that I appreciate is...
• A quality that you have that I am lacking that I appreciate is...
• Something that you said to me that I appreciate is...
• Something that I have told you before that I still appreciate is...

(I blatantly stole this from Lori and John Odhner! well OK they said I could :) Check out their website http://www.caringformarriage.org it's great stuff!)

Happy Appreciating!!!


Some thoughts from Emanuel Swedenborg:
"People who have goodwill hardly notice the evil in another person, but instead notice all his or her good and true qualities, and they put a good interpretation on the bad and wrong things. All angels are like this. It is something they have from the Lord, who bends everyting bad into something good." Secrets of Heaven N. 1079

"In the case of people who are in a state of true married love, their happiness in living together increases because they love each other with every power of sensation. The wife sees nothing more lovable than her husband and the husband nothing more lovable than her. Indeed, neither do they hear, smell or touch anything more lovable than each other. From this comes their happiness in living together and sharing house, bedroom and bed." Marriage Love N. 213

The Husband, the Princess, and the Dragon

I've been thinking a lot lately about the wonderful analogy of a Husband with a Hero. Just like a Hero, a good Husband should be someone who let's nothing stand in the way of him rescuing his Princess, or Fair Maiden. In the fairy tales, a Hero won't stop for anything, he charges forward with nothing else on his mind. He doesn't let anything distract him from his Princess. In real life, we husbands often do let things distract us from our "Princess." Often simply because of laziness, and a lack of determination and focus. But the wonderful thing about the analogy of the story is that I think most men would love to be considered a Hero; we just don't always remember that we have opportunities to be just that, staring us in the face every day. We just need to remember that even though we've "gotten the girl," "tied the knot," and settled down, if we want to be good husbands we have to continue to pursue our wives as if they were being carried away by a dragon every day. That is how we can be their Hero. We need to make them Number One in our lives (aside from God, of course).

The Dragon is another great analogy for us men. For whatever reason, we men are hard-wired to notice women's bodies. We are programed to find them attractive. Even when we are happily married and faithful, we can find our eyes being tugged in directions that we don't really want, when we come to our senses. We may ask, "why are we created to have to fight this all the time?" "Why can't we choose to be faithful, and never find ourselves looking at another woman again?" "Why do we seem to be locked in this eternal battle?"

We may also ask, "Why do Heroes always have some Dragon, or Monster to slay?" Well, what sort of an adventure fairy tale would it be if the Hero wasn't fighting something? It would be pretty boring actually. The idea of a fairy tale in which the Hero doesn't slay some horrible monster, or defeat some other evil character or device, in order to save his Princess, doesn't make for a very interesting story. The Hero is almost defined by his life of fighting.

And so it is with Husbands.

The problem is that our natural inclination to fight is often misdirected at good people or even our wives themselves! We need to direct our desire to fight at the thing we were designed to fight: the lust for other women. This is the dragon, the horrible monster, the evil character who will destroy our Princess unless we fight it and defeat it. Perhaps an even better picture is of a wicked witch disguised as a beautiful woman. We have to be smart enough to see through the disguise.

Our lives are more about the journey than the destination. Of course we want to defeat the dragon, but that doesn't necessarily meant we won't have to fight it again. We can take pride in developing the strength to continually fight the dragon, and always be on the look-out for anything else that wants to destroy our precious marriage; the Princess. We can truly be Heroes! Complete with the action, the glory, and the happy ending.

Forever and Eternity CD

My wife and I are happy to announce that we have released an album of our own New Christian Love Songs, called "Forever and Eternity." The album features original songs based primarily around the piano and two voices, with accompanying background music in a variety of styles including: Folk, Jazz, Country and Pop.

We wrote most of these songs back when we were dating, engaged, or in the first couple years of our marriage. So these songs capture the feelings of our young, honeymoon state of life. Whatever the season of your marriage (or relationship), we hope that these songs will help you to remember your own honeymoon state, and that those memories will bring warmth to your life, and strength to your marriage.

The process of recording this album was a little like the process of marriage. On the surface it appears to be all romantic and fun, but it was also a lot of work, and even frustrating at times. Between colds, car troubles, and the chronic chaotic cacophony of life with kids, we felt like everything was trying to prevent the production of this album. (Not to mention that fact that Tirah was 5 months pregnant while trying sing!) We often had to remind ourselves to look for the fun in what we were doing. But if we hadn’t persevered, you wouldn’t be listening to this music. So don’t give up! It’s worth all the hard work! And don’t forget to ask the Lord for help. With Him, nothing is impossible!